I.

27/09/17 - 1:48AM

This’ll be my last post for a long time I think. A lot has happened since I last wrote and I love using this space as an outlet, I really do but I think I was using this before I had the newer outlets and older ones that I’ve embraced all over again. Hopefully I hit everything in this post because I really want to leave it here on the right note so I can look back on it one day when I’ve probably forgotten, this is important to me.

I’ll probably start by saying I got my car finally. Feels like a stupid materialistic thing to start with but I don’t care. I worked so hard for it, to be able to even consider to get myself a car was a big deal given how I used to view being in debt or buying things. I guess that’s one thing that’s changed. I’ve more open to these things. I know I needed a car for a long time. I always wanted a Golf. It’s a complete dream first car and so I bought it. I’m not ashamed to say I got some help from my parents, my sister too actually, but it was all me for the most part and that’s something to be proud of considering how I can get about these things. I haven’t been home much since last Tuesday when I picked it up, I’ve been having too much fun with it and it’s honestly just a great feeling to have something of your own. I’m looking forward to the adventures I’ll have with it. I named him James Dean after the actor. Ironic, I know.

I started smoking again about 2 weeks ago. I couldn’t tell you why or maybe I could, I don’t know, but I got the urge one day when I was walking at Lysterfield Lake and I haven’t stopped since. It seems stupid, I’d quit when I got with Steph, she didn’t like it and it was the right thing at the time and oddly enough, however dumb it may seem, it feels like the right thing at this time too. I probably won’t stay one for very long, not like last time but who knows really. I’ve been enjoying the social aspect of it as well as the solitary aspect of it. There is this weird condition of confidence that comes over you when you light one up. Yeah it’s bad for you, it’s so pointless from a health-standard point of view, but nobody smokes for their health do they? No one ever smokes for their health, everyone has a reason. Mine’s just not worth mentioning or maybe it is but I don’t even feel like sharing it here. The best kept secrets are the ones no one needs to know.

I haven’t cried in a long time. I used that measure of time because I can’t remember the last time I did. Or even the last time I felt emotional. It would’ve been some time before I got the car I think, so about 3 weeks ago most likely but I don’t truthfully remember. I think that’s a good thing, not that I don’t remember but that it hasn’t happened in so long that I can’t recall it. I still think about her everyday and everything that we had, everything that happened, what I did in every sense of the saying and everything since it all but I don’t dwell on the way things are. I don’t know how to properly describe it but basically, I think I’m just over everything. Not her or how I feel but I’ve checked everything into a hotel, all that I feel and all that matters like that is on a holiday or something, taking a break. Long story short, I’m just over everything that happened. I can’t believe all this is the way it is, but it is just that too, it is what it is and life’s going on and so am I, I’m moving forward, getting on with my work and university studies, I go out every now and then and I’m always surrounding myself with friends or hanging out somewhere just to keep busy. I’ll keep all the stuff inside that needs to stay there, I’ll talk to people about things when they ask, I’ll be honest with myself and with others and I’ll be okay. I’m better than all of this and I always was, I guess you just take your time to get to this point where you realise that. I’m still not happy and truth be told, I don’t care if I never am, I know I’m more than okay now and this is far and away better than where I was months ago. Do I wish things were different? Absolutely, but I don’t know what sitting here and wishing will do. I do know I bought a car and the buzz hasn’t worn off, I know I can go out whenever I want and go for a drive listening to my favourite music and get lost in my thoughts for a while able to find my way back. I know it’s my birthday next Thursday and I’ll be doing something. I know I can go back to the places I used to without being afraid of seeing her there because fuck living in fear like that. I just know things will be okay and if they don’t end up being so well then I’m 99% sure I’ll deal with them better. Looking at old photos is bittersweet, but at least I don’t cry anymore. I miss her more than anyone should miss anything and I’m sorry more than anyone could be for anything, I don’t know how to get over her, I don’t know if I could or would want to but I don’t really care either, this all feels the way it should and though I’m not happy, I am so okay with my place in the world right now. Everything’s okay, at least for now and I can smile knowing that much.

11/09/17 - 12:46PM

I think I’m consciously engaging in more and more self-destructive behaviour as time goes on but at the same time, I think it’s a legitimate part of this process of moving forward. That’s honestly all I’m trying to do and this just seems to fit with that right now. I’m working plenty and making good money, so I choose to spend whatever I can after savings. I’m actually spending more than I care to admit, but I’m working on fixing that. I’ve been drinking heaps and even started smoking pretty heavily on nights out. I went on a 3 day bender from Friday to Sunday this past weekend starting by going out on my own Friday night after work to the club and then finishing up Sunday at the soccer. I know it’s probably not right, it’s motivated by this sense of wanting to have fun and let loose which is great but all that has only been brought on by the pain I’m pushing down now, from everything that I caused. That sounds wrong too, like I’m bottling it up, but I’m not. I’m regaining some sense of normality in that when it overflows, I just let myself feel what I need to. My confidence is fairly stable, close to where it used to be, and if it isn’t then I’m doing a good job of convincing myself that I’m getting there. I still blame myself and it’s been almost a full year of either no sleep at all or broken instances of it that total something like 3 - 4 hours a night. I still leave the lamp on, the tv doesn’t switch off either and like a teenage cliche, I only seem to rarely fall asleep on the side she used to sleep on when she’d stay over. That’s probably one of the worse things that still fucks with me. I can’t sleep and when I do, I dream. They’re not always kind to me either. Last night’s dream was beyond incredible, it felt so real in so many different ways but I could still hear my tv in the background. That’s what I mean by unkind. I knew I was dreaming, I think I maybe slipped into that lucid state I don’t know but when I came to, surprisingly I wasn’t upset or phased by it. I just sat there and stopped trying to force myself to sleep. That was at 7:33 this morning. I didn’t go to uni again, but it was a class I could miss unlike the two weeks worth that I missed a few ones back. I don’t think I’m good person anymore but I’m okay with that because I don’t think I’m a bad one either. I don’t think I deserve to suffer anymore though so I think that’s why I’m doing these things that I do, because at least for a while, I can get away from what’s stewing inside me. It sounds so fucking wrong, but I do feel in control of it. I consciously let go and come back to myself and overall, I guess I am learning a lot along the way. I get drunk, but I stop drinking after a point and I’ve stuck to that strange habit of having a shower after getting home from the night. I think it’s a subconscious cleansing thing as much as it is a literal physical one. I was talking to a friend at Maccas after the night out on Friday and we were talking about how she was going through something similar at the moment except she was the wronged party in this instance. I think I gave her the perspective she needed to hear me being the one on the other end in my case but I don’t know that she really heard what I was saying. Something she said struck me though while talking about Steph and I, she said “you just didn’t love her enough? Is that why you did it?” and I know I said no right away because it’s not a question of love or the measure of it that made me do what I did. There’s no excuse or explanation or logic that can make it okay, but there has to be some stupid impulsive action that caused me to do that when God knows I would never do anything to hurt anyone, let alone the one person on this planet who was worth all my time. That’s why this all still hurts almost a year on or 7 months since we split up. I know who I am and in that moment I put myself in a position where I didn’t foresee the outcome. I lost myself in a moment that’s ruined my sense of self and did hurt the one person I truly loved and cared for. There’s no humility in me telling her the truth that could change that. When something like this happens, if you can’t move on and away from it together, if there’s no unconditional support from the both of you, if there’s no forgiveness, no trust left, then there is no you plural anymore. I don’t know that we tried the right way after it, I don’t know a lot at all because I acted out even worse after it all, I tried too hard, tried too little, and ultimately, I never forgave myself and neither did she. I had a few moments of closure, but you can’t ever really move on without forgiveness. I think that’s what I’m searching for everyday. That piece of penance that will make me feel like myself just for a day until the next one. I’m far from the person I thought I was, even further from the person I thought I’d be but I know one day it gets truly better, the nightmares stop, I’ll be able to turn my lamp off and I won’t be scared of the dark, in my room, in my head. It’s going to take a long time still and I don’t even care, I’ll just continue to go with the flow until I get there. I don’t know where there is, but I’m sure it’s beautiful.